Celebrity bust-ups? Pitchup.com sorts it

Prince Harry is single again! (Don’t all stampede forth at once, ladies.) The ginger one has parted ways from girlfriend of two years Cressida Bonas , with the announcement made the same day brother William celebrated his wedding anniversary Down Under by glamping with Kate.

If Harry had followed William’s example and added a touch of glamping to the glamour, we reckon they’d be engaged by now. Nothing is more amorous than snuggling into a tipi with the smell of wood smoke tickling your hooter, the crackling of the campfire outside your pitch, and the slurring of sweet nothings after sweet cider – so we’ve decided to help celebrity’s warring couples with a round-up of the best sites for getting things back on a romantic track.

Harry and Cressida

If Harry is a typical younger sibling and wants to one-up his brother, he could go undercover at a wild camping site and tent pitch to show he can cope without the luxuries of glamping. We’d suggest Back-of-Beyond Touring Park in Dorset (from £20) or The Secret Garden Touring Park in Cambridgeshire for this (from £20), both prettily romantic sites with plenty of hiding spots from the paparazzi (and a site microbrewery at the latter).

However, faint camping may not win fair lady, so Cressida might like the full works at the fully-equipped camping pods of The Old Thorns Manor Hotel in Hampshire , complete with flatscreen telly and Freeview, heater, tea and coffee making facilities and a mirror, a must for sorting one’s hair in the morning before emerging to be greeted by the flashing bulbs.

All guests have access to the luxuries of the hotel including champagne bar, spa, sauna, pool, gym and championship golf course. Pods start from £75.

Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin

The ‘conscious uncoupling’ of this couple raised the nation’s/globe’s collective eyebrows back in March, although what can you expect from people who called their child Apple. If the couple want to reunite, we’d imagine they’d like a site with time for soul-searching, so the peace, quiet and celeb-worthy luxury of Jedburgh’s Feather Down Country Retreats (Chesters) in the Scottish Borders should suit them down to a ti.

Each enormous tent has a private hot tub and its own private shower tent, and is placed in the grounds of a Grade I listed Georgian mansion on the edge of a walled garden lined with veggies for guests to pick and eat (we hear Gwyneth is quite the healthy eater).

Prices start from £495 for four nights; if you’d like to check this one out and bring the kids/gang, the tents have three bedrooms and sleep up to six.

Related:

Sites with a nearby farmers’ market

Sites with local produce

Jeremy Clarkson and Frances Clarkson

Rumours of Jeremy being divorced by his wife of 21 years remain unconfirmed, but perhaps they’ll prove to have more mettle than last week’s rumours of his divorce from the BBC. In the meantime, if Jeremy wants to go all out to woo Frances, he can pick from sites in France or Spain , browse through dozens of five-star campsites or look for luxury sites and sites with a hot tub .

Cwmcoedog Farm in Lampeter, with hot tub overlooking the Welsh countryside, private trout fishing on the farm’s own lake and camping pods with heated towel rails could be just the ticket: it’s five miles from Cardigan Bay too for romantic strolls on the sand, and near Brechfa Forest if Jezza wants to get in some off-road driving. Pods start from £25 a night.

If it turns out to be a solo holiday, we're tickled by the thought of caravan-hating Jezza finally seeing the light and booking one of our touring pitches in his own caravan. Or he could pack up his troubles in his old kit bag, take a tent and discover the joys of our leave the car at home campsites and sites with pick-up from public transport .

Miley Cyrus and any sense of dignity/Liam Hemsworth

We have a general policy of ‘live and let live’ at Pitchup.com, but have to say we were not one whit surprised at the break up of Miley Cyrus’s engagement to actor Liam Hemsworth: Miley may have said it was because she wanted her own space , but we reckon it’s because of the lingering effects of her hilariously awful twerking at last year’s MTV Video Music Awards.

If Miley and Liam want to dance their way back into each other’s hearts, we have two options that might help: looking for a holiday park with evening entertainment so she can dance on stage and try something new (on second thoughts, maybe not), or looking for a private, teeny site where at least if she does try a new dance move, not many people will be around to see.

Romance should get lots of mile-age at Hebrides site Callanish Camping on the Isle of Lewis, in a peaceful and roomy location with just three camping pods; prices start from £35. Also in Scotland, Miley and Liam could take romantic walks and porpoise spot around Ayres Rock Hostel and Camp Site in the Orkney Islands; camping pods here start from £40 a night with free cycle hire included.

Katie Price and Kieran Hayler

Almost as if she knew we were writing this blog, Katie Price aka Jordan has this week announced she is divorcing her husband, Kieran Hayler. On Twitter (the announcement, not the divorce). We feel we should sniff at her choice of medium, but in actual fact we applaud Ms Price’s aplomb in making the announcement to almost two million followers, given that Mr Hayler allegedly had an affair with her best friend. During pregnancy. (Ms Price’s, not the friend. Do keep up.)

Therefore, we have reserved our last site/heartbreak hotel slot for those who might not want to ‘patch things up’, ‘give it another go’ or ‘stay together for the sake of the kids’, but for those who may prefer staying busy, luxuriously pampering self and vowing to remain resolutely single. Katie should take herself and the kids to one of our pursuit- and pampering-packed holiday parks, such as:

Le Méditerranée , Pyrenees-Orientales : Less than two minutes from the sea (even in heels), with spa, Turkish bath, massage, indoor and outdoor pool, bar, restaurant, evening entertainment – and piles to do for the tiddlers including kids’ club, paddling pool and water slide. Broken hearts can tan here.

Le Méditerranée has three-bedroom holiday homes available now from £42.77 a night sleeping up to six (30% off until 27 June) and two-bedroom holiday homes and lodges from just £32.23 – heartbreak hotel bargain!

Related:

Family-friendly sites

Sites with an indoor or outdoor swimming pool

Other romantic sites

Glamping Thorpe , Oxfordshire : handcrafted gypsy wagon or shepherd’s hut from £320 for four nights

Loch Tay Highland Lodges , Perthshire : seriously scenic Scottish site with camping pods, wigwams, glamping pods and woodland cabins from £40 – 80 a night

Teifi Meadows , Ceredigion : just one little lovely bothy hideaway for two, in a private garden setting and with free breakfast hamper. From £65.

Little Upton Boutique Belltents , Cornwall : Alpacas, open air amphitheatre on the tentstep and world champion cheese Cornish Blue in the locale. From £40.

Camping Alpujarra , Andalucia : The most scorchio area in Europe, spacious terrace next to the swimming pool and free tapas at the bar all spells to us Spanish serenading. Tent, tourer and motorhome pitches from £15.40; two-bedroom lodge from a mere £20.93.

See lovingly also:

Sites in a remote location

Peaceful sites

Adults-only sites